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Okay, another vulnerable post. On April 8th, I shared a post about my journey to realizing I prefer to be single. That was just part of the story. It’s true, I am primarily in relationship with myself, learning to prioritize me for the first time in my life. But I am also a deep connector, and this is that part of the vulnerable share.
If you read my blog post, “A Different Kind of Sexual Abuse,” then you know that:
• My earliest memory was of my dad yelling at my mom, my mom crying, and me not being able to get them to love each other. In that moment, I saw what I believed I would become when I looked at my dad. It horrified me that I would become dangerous to women, and that was the beginning of that aspect of my lifelong suicidal ideation.
• My dad asked me sign a purity contract (vowing to remain “pure” for my future wife) on my 12th birthday. This was also when he required me to start confessing my sins to him every day. He was particularly interested in anything sexual. As a teenager, I became convinced I was a monster because I was attracted to girls. The daily confessions went on for 9 years until, at 21, I was finally confident that God could forgive me without my dad’s gatekeeping.
• When I was 15, my brothers and I were circumcised without our consent. I had even gotten the courage to ask my dad if I could talk about it because I had multiple reasons why I didn’t wish it. He laughed and said my future wife would thank him.
The programming I received through these childhood experiences until I got away in my early twenties was extreme and intense. Even many years later, if I was on a date, I often had a panic attack because I felt like I needed to figure out quick if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman or not, because otherwise I felt I was leading her on and setting false expectations. So I just didn’t date for most of my adult life and was preoccupied with trying to prove that I wasn’t a bad guy or a perverted monster. I didn’t even register the women who, in hindsight, were clearly throwing themselves at me.
I didn’t yet realize pleasure and creativity are deeply connected to sexuality, and that by shutting down my sexuality, I was dimming my connection to creativity and joy.
There was fear and false guilt that was embedded into the subject of sexuality, but it took me forever to ask why so many authorities were deeply interested in my sexuality. My dad felt entitled to know everything about me sexually. The church wanted me to be loving but to suppress my sexuality. The government seems endlessly curious about my relationship status.
Whyyy?? That’s so creepy. What I realized was that it made me forget, or never understand, that my body and my sexuality belong to me and no one else. There is great power in agency, and sexuality is the most core, most potent aspect of personal agency. Even though others try to control it, no one on the planet gets to have more agency over my body, my sexuality, or my life than I do.
I learned a ton about this, starting with a conversation with friends who had opened up their marriage. At first, I thought it was a joke. The husband was the kind of guy who would post controversial Facebook statuses and then enjoy the chaos that ensued. So when they changed their relationship status to open, I didn’t think anything of it. But the conversation I had with them was life-changing.
They grew up in the same homeschooling program that I did, and their parents arranged their marriage when they were very young. After many years and children, they both realized they had never experienced dating and wanted to. Neither of them wished to limit each others experience of life, and so began making arrangements to take turns watching the kids while the other went on dates.
Hearing this blew my mind. I had never considered anything other than monogamous marriage and hadn’t even experienced much of dating. I had always pictured marriage but instantly knew that I never wanted to limit or control my wife’s experience of life. And, if I was honest, one of the reasons I was so resistant to dating through my adult years was that I didn’t want to lose the freedom I had so dearly earned. Life had been consumed in controlling and codependent relationship dynamics. I wanted to be free. But I also wanted to connect deeply. Being a highly sensitive, emotionally intelligent, and empathic person, I have a great capacity to connect deeply with everyone I meet. And it’s not realistic to form a lifelong exclusive relationship with everyone I connect deeply with.
This is when I begin my earnest research into ethical non-monogamy. I wanted to know if it was possible to connect deeply and still belong to me. I was in such a strong habit of giving away my power, my agency, my sovereignty, that I needed to experience something different.
It’s been a long journey since then. A lot of releasing shame and fear, of seeing my value, of understanding agreements and consent, of learning to articulate my desires.
Emotional and physical intimacy are beautiful things where it’s mutually beneficial and agreed to.
I am open to a primary relationship of some kind at some point, but I am practicing my sovereignty right now. In my sovereignty I get to connect with other sovereign beings, knowing that at any point we can make custom agreements, change our minds, or make adjustments as we go. I don’t control them, and they don’t control me. But we get to collaborate as we wish.
Obviously, this is extremely personal. I am not prescribing a recommended viewpoint or behavior, but as with most vulnerable posts, I am sharing so that those who can relate feel seen and understood.
I value this kind of vulnerability and communication, because it allows me to connect as deeply as I’m capable of without the assumption that I’m starting a lifelong romance with someone, and allows us to craft the relationship as we go in mutually beneficial ways. I’m healing, growing, and connecting.
Do you feel like you have taken back sexual sovereignty? Your sexuality is a precious gift, and no one else’s to control. My wish is for us all to feel free and vibrant in this area that is most ours.
Some of you will resonate with this right away. Others will be quite shocked. Both responses are understandable. I welcome any respectful questions, though I reserved the right to take time to craft thoughtful responses.
