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Since the first of the year I have been in a chakra cleanse class with one of my mentors, Amanda Flaker. Such a powerful experience and so much going on. I know I will need to continue to have great compassion and patience for myself as I keep allowing past wounds to speak and be heard. But working through some questions yesterday was extremely helpful.
1. When was the first time I couldn’t speak my truth?
I don’t remember a first time I couldn’t speak my truth. I think it was from in the womb when I could feel my dad didn’t want to me, and could feel my existence was causing stress and anger. All growing up I was told what my motives were, and they were never good. I tried to prove my compliance by not defending myself, so I never spoke my truth. Even to myself for the longest time.
2. What messages did I receive from the people around me about speaking my truth?
The messages I received from speaking my truth included:
– People get angry and violent when I speak my truth (whether my perspective, my needs, or my desires).
– I must be invisible for people to tolerate my existence.
– My presence, my needs, my desires, and my existence, is challenging, frustrating, and infuriating for those around me.
3. What messages did I receive about my desires?
The answers were, “My desires are a burden, shameful, wrong, and too much.” And, “If something benefits me or brings me joy and pleasure, it causes a burden or pain to someone else.”
4. Do I truly believe these messages?
What surprised me was the answer to this question was yes, I did. I discovered that my unconscious belief was that, “I cannot have joy, pleasure, or my needs met, because when I do it always causes pain, loss, or burden, to someone else.” No wonder I have withheld myself from certain desires and successes. I didn’t want anyone to suffer because of my blessing.
So, I wrote down some beautiful and empowering truths to use as mantras.
– The Creator, the whole Universe, and I want me here, and want me to experience the fullness of a joyful, abundant, life.
– When I live in my joy, I bring more joy to others.
– When I let myself experience pleasure, others have permission to experience pleasure.
– When I allow my needs to be met, I show others that their needs can also be met.
– My desires are good, and the universe expands as I acknowledge and meet them.
– If something brings me joy, it brings the universe joy.
– It benefits others when I am seen and heard.
This is very deep and heavy stuff! There was a meditation that I listened to twice
because I just sobbed through the first time. I was connecting with the pain in an extremely deep way, like I have rarely done. The second time I was actually able to hear and process the content a little bit. Thank you, Amanda!
