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I am realizing that I’ve held myself apart from my dream of marriage. I’ve known since I was 5 what I was looking for. I know what it feels like, being in a peaceful relationship where there is mutual care and love, free of control, and both looking for the best life is offering.
But over the years I’ve developed reasons why I’m not worthy. And these reasons hold me apart from what I’ve desired. I’ve thought things like I’m too short, I’m not attractive enough, I’m too quiet, I think too much, I’m too introverted, I like to stay in rather than do “exciting” things, I’m not mechanical or handy enough, I’m not confident or “smooth” with women enough, I’m not smart or successful enough. I think that if I am to be attractive to someone I need to be exciting, like be able to dance, or at least be comfortable dancing with others at clubs, be trendy and know my beers and wines, know current events, know history better, Etc.
But these thoughts are just keeping me away from someone that is actually a good fit for me. My old thoughts are fueled from my experiences with my dad and others, where my success in a relationship with them required me to try to be all the things that I’m not. I’ve carried that into my dreams of marriage and unwittingly assumed that to be a good match to a soulmate, it would require me also becoming who I’m not. What a crazy thing!
So this season of life that I’m in right now is perfect for me. I’m choosing to do exactly what I desire, the things that bring me joy, and I’m not worrying about whether anyone else likes it or approves. In this season I am just being me and it’s the best thing that I could do, for any of my dreams.
